she told me i tasted like america
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
