Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
