how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
