you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
