i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
