It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
