My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
