There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
