It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
