Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
