It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
