Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
