ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
