a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
