You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
