Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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