we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
