Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
only you would photoshop your dick
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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