Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
