Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
