somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
