Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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