This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
It's like God shit irony all over that family
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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