drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
We got so high we made milksteak
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
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