I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
