Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
