The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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