Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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