My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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