I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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