I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
