Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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