Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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