An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
