just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
