I cockslap morals
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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