my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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