I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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