i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
