Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
