My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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