i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
