Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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