fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
