It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
