Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
