All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
