three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
