laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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