Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
