I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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