you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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