Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Who died my cat blue again?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
